Monday, July 20, 2009

Self reflection time....

I've been feeling really bad about myself lately. I know I've gained a few inches around the middle - those love handles are definitely easier to grip, and I haven't worked out since we were in Maui TWO YEARS AGO (I was in the best shape ever then - between the new vegan diet and the daily dose of yoga). Not to mention the fact that I'm closer to 40 than 30, which means my metabolism that I've been so blessed with my entire life is starting to turn it's back on me. Factor all that in along with two babies (one of which was a giant - thanks to daily 7-11 slurpies) and I have definitely lost my flat tummy. Sigh. But the past year my body image has taken a slam. Mostly brought on my me. I've been hard on myself - completely over critical. When I look in the mirror I see something completely different than what other people most likely see. Who knows what my husband sees because he no longer disagrees with me when I complain about my body. Most likely because he's tired of hearing it. That's what I'm telling myself, anyways.

I try really hard not to make any comments in front of my girls because I don't want them to turn this on themselves. I try to teach them to eat healthy for the benefit of their health and immune system. That they are worthy and should express that by being health conscious, yet not to obsess over it. But yet, I wonder if they are picking up on my bad attitude about myself. I am trying to raise confident, strong women yet that doesn't describe me lately. How can I pass that on to these wonderful little girls if I'm not living it myself?

This reflection was brought on by a picture that my four year old took of me last week. When I uploaded it - I just stared at the picture. I kept thinking - is this really how I look? Why am I being so hard on myself? I am thin. Why don't I see that when I look in the mirror? Stupid fashion magazines. And damn me for letting myself feel like this. So where do I go from here? How do I break the cycle? Every weekend I make a promise to myself that I am going to eat really healthy and work out - starting Monday. And every Monday comes and goes with out disturbing the dust on my elliptical. I know that I need to work out - even if I'm not as out of shape as I've convinced my brain. I know that lifting weight is vital and necessary as I get older. But I can't seem to find the inspiration. I keep hinting to Tim that a trip to Hawaii will definitely inspire me. But that's not going to happen (this year, anyways) and I'd probably end up dropping it as soon as the trip happens again anyways. I need to find inspiration to do it for myself. So this is my reminder, a pledge to myself. To find balance in my self image, and to find inspiration to get myself strong and healthy again. But the challenge is to do it in that order. Can I find myself without having hard abs? :-) I'll let you know. Oh - and here's the picture (along with a few other gems she took that day).


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